Remember the definitions from last week? How they mentioned muscle contractions? Well, turns out that’s a key component of having an orgasm. What the definitions fail to mention is the fact that it’s not always a “tense up, have climax, relax” type of process.
I had a discussion with my boyfriend yesterday regarding last week’s post. It went something like this:
Me: I feel like I’ve always been told that orgasms are supposed to look more like this: *waves hand in a bell curve with a steep drop on the down side.* And actually my orgasms tend to look more like this: *waves hand in a pattern that looks more like a city skyline on an ever-increasing hill.* So I always thought that I wasn’t having an orgasm.
Him: Maybe you aren’t. Maybe you’ve never had an orgasm.
Me: Psh. Do you think I’ve never had an orgasm?
Him: I’m not you, so I can’t judge.
Me: Give me your best guess.
Him: Well, according to the sounds you make and your convulsions and stuff, I would think you’ve been having orgasms.
Me: Exactly. I would think so too. But it doesn’t fit the up and drop method. I think it fits the multiple orgasm idea a lot better.
In the multiple orgasm scenario, pictures often look like bell curves over and over again. But when I describe my orgasms, the picture rarely comes out looking like multiple bell curves. Sometimes it looks more like a city skyline. Sometimes it looks like a bumpy upwards-diagonal line. Sometimes it looks like a bell curve with a steep drop, but the bell curve line has multiple bell curves on it. And sometimes it just looks like a bell curve.
You would think, with all those possible scenarios, how do I know what’s happening at the moment? But that’s silly. All I have to do is pay attention to my body. Of course I know.
I know when I can tease my boyfriend about teasing me, when he’s been playing with me off and on and I haven’t gotten to orgasm. I know when to say, “don’t stop” when I’m almost there and just a little longer will push me over the edge. And I know when to say, “please stop” when I’ve orgasmed and had enough/am too sensitive to keep going.
And I say those things without the word “orgasm” ever being mentioned. I don’t need to mention it. It’s not necessary. What matters is that I know what I want and what feels good.
So I’m going to give you a new picture of what an orgasm, or a multiple orgasm, can look like.
But first I’m going to give you an example in the language that we’ve all been taught: a male orgasm. (Disclaimer, I am female both in sex and gender, so this example is a female’s perspective of a male orgasm, not a male perspective.) If a guy is aroused, and you play with his penis, he’s not going to immediately have an orgasm and ejaculate (generally). Instead, if you’re both having a lazy, fun time, you’re going to play with him, he’s going to play with you, and maybe you’ll go back and forth a bit. As you play with him, he becomes more aroused and makes sounds and movements that indicate this. But if you stop playing with him, he’ll slowly become more relaxed. But then if you start up again, he’s starting from a higher state of arousal than the previous time. Keep doing that and eventually he’ll orgasm. (Or you’ll just be torturing him indefinitely.)
A female orgasm can look similar to the scenario I just described. In fact, a female orgasm can look exactly like the scenario I just described – try replacing all the he’s with she’s. Or, instead, she could have orgasmed every time you were playing with her. So if you’re having a fun, lazy time, you could play with her, she orgasms, she plays with you, you play with her and she orgasms again but maybe stronger this time, and you go back and forth. Each time you play with her she orgasms, but each time it’s a bigger orgasm than before. (Or maybe each time it’s the same level of orgasm.)
But what if you don’t stop playing with her? What if she orgasms and you keep doing whatever it was that made her orgasm the first time? Then she’ll keep orgasming. There won’t be a bell curve, then a pause, and then a bell curve. There will just be piles and piles of bell curves making a huge towering sky scraper until she reaches some kind of limit where she either tells you to stop, or becomes numb, or pleasure turns into pain because she’s just too sensitive, (or you just stop).
I like pushing that limit. Because I’ve found that the more I push the limit the more often I get to bigger mind-blowing orgasms.
But even from the beginning, I rarely had the one-bell-curve orgasm. Because once I hit the first orgasm, I don’t stop. (As long as the sensation doesn’t stop.) The pauses in between orgasms get shorter and shorter, until I’m fairly vibrating.
And in the beginning I had a hard time telling the difference between the multiple bell curves I was feeling. I felt like whenever my sex partner stopped playing with me, that was when the bell curve dropped – which has very little to do with the patterns my body was putting out.
But over time I’ve found that not only can I follow those dips and peaks more easily, I can almost choose when to be done. I’m not aiming for some final orgasm like a male orgasm, because I don’t have such a thing. If I keep going, I’ll just keep going. But if I decide, for whatever reason, that I’m done, I can stop and relax and feel completely not aroused. I do this by tensing my entire body semi-consciously, as tight as I can get it and then relaxing, again semi-consciously. (Of course, in order to do this, I have to stop immediately after an orgasm, not immediately before one.)
Or sometimes I can be done just by stopping immediately after an orgasm. With no more sensations flooding into me, my body naturally relaxes. That sense of high tension followed by relaxation creates a zone where I can leave all feelings of arousal behind.
But again, it’s mostly if I choose. Because if I choose not to be done, I can go right back into an aroused state. (Or if my boyfriend starts playing with different parts of me again. Sometimes I have to remind him that even if he does it right after orgasm, he can still toss me into a state of arousal, and does he really want to do that again?)
Sometimes I feel like I (or we of the female persuasion, if anyone out there feels the same way) have that advantage over guys. That I have more choice in whether to be aroused or not, to be done or not, and definitely to have multiple orgasms or not.