Lately, I’ve been having conversations with my boyfriend about initiating sex. But I’m not going to start there.
I’m going to start with one of the radical ideas I had for starting this blog – that contrary to popular belief, women and men have fairly equal sexual libidos. That your average man will not necessarily have a higher sex drive than your average woman, and, in a cis-gender, heterosexual relationship, the woman might even have a higher sex drive than the man.
I say cis-gender and heterosexual because those are the messages I’ve been receiving my entire life. No one’s mentioned gender fluidity, no one’s mentioned homosexual relationships. The front pages of the magazines in the supermarket fail to mention that anyone might fall outside of their men-always-want-sex and women-can’t-orgasm cis, hetero formula.
And while I don’t know what impact that might have on others, the impact it has had on me, who is a cis-gender, mostly heterosexual woman, is fairly significant. It’s made me believe that I’m some kind of mutant for wanting sex fairly often (define that time span as you will – it changes depending on the week/month/year anyway), for enjoying sex every time I’ve had it (granted, that depends on your partner(s) as well), and for not having a difficult time orgasming. And it’s put up a fairly significant mental block between my brain and initiating sex.
Because Good Girls aren’t supposed to want sex, so Good Girls shouldn’t initiate sex.
But we’re in an enlightened society now, right? So as long as you don’t have too much sex then you are allowed to have sex and still be a Good Girl. But you shouldn’t like it too much. You should have a difficult time orgasming, or take a long time to warm up, or both. And definitely, if you don’t like sex that much, then why are you initiating it? Of course the guy wants sex much more than the girl. So of course the guy should always, or almost always, initiate it.
Which plays into the idea that girls are the gatekeepers of no. If you’re not supposed to like sex, so you’re not supposed to initiate it, then the only choice you ever get is to say yes to sex or no to sex. You never get to ask the question, you only get to give an answer. (Which can play into lots more problems that I won’t go into here…)
And that can get extremely frustrating if you’re a woman and you want sex more often than your male partner. (I imagine it can also get frustrating if you’re in a homosexual relationship and the other person doesn’t match up to the stereotype and you do, or the other way around. But I can’t speak from that experience.) Or even if you want sex more often, and your partner is fine with that but is also fine with not having sex so often. Which means that it’s left up to you to initiate the extra sex…
But you’ve been told that girls don’t want sex, that girls don’t care about sex, that a woman’s sex drive is less than a man’s sex drive. So instead of asking for sex, or sending obvious signals that you want sex, you’ll just wait and see. Maybe he’ll be able to read your mind and initiate sex so you don’t have to. Maybe you’ll stop being horny, stop wanting sex so much, and you won’t have to worry about it at all. Or ever again. Because if only you didn’t want sex so much, everything would be fine. You’d be normal. You wouldn’t be frustrated. You wouldn’t be trying to communicate via psychic powers instead of words.
Or, contrary to society’s messages to you, you could figure out that your sex drive is perfectly normal. And you could learn how to initiate sex.
Next week…Initiating Sex