Worst Date In 5 Words

Lols.

Whatever

It was a Twitter hashtag. I was bored. SUE ME.

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Internalized Misogyny and BDSM

Why is it, that when everyone talks about BDSM being anti-feminist and upholding patriarchy and sexism, they only ever mention women being submissive? No one ever mentions the sub-cultural norm of a dominatrix, or switches, who can be either dominant or submissive depending on the situation. And I don’t hear about same sex couples doing BDSM.

Yes, there are problems in the community, and BDSM can be used for abuse – but so can everything. Abusers live everywhere, and we need to fight them everywhere. Yes means yes and no means no is even more important in BDSM, where things can more easily be physically harmful, than in areas with less immediate harm. But why does that make BDSM automatically bad?

Those who say that women who are submissive in BDSM are acting out their internalized misogyny don’t think that maybe acting it out can help them to overcome it. That bringing something in the open can make it lose its harmful power over you. That being purposefully submissive can actually give the sub power, not take it away.

Power is something that exists in society. It exists during sex. You can’t make it go away by wishing it wasn’t there. And a large part of BDSM is playing with the dynamics of power – pulling it out into the open and looking at it critically and experiencing how power can change and fluctuate and may not always be what it seems.

It may seem obvious to some people that a dom has all the power and a sub has none – but that’s not actually how it works. Because if a sub refuses to play submissive then the dom does not exist. In real, consensual BDSM* the dom and sub have equal power, balanced by the roles they are acting out. Safewords help keep this balance, by putting an emergency stop button on anything that is happening.

There is a lot more to BDSM than tying up and spanking submissive women. If you’d like a good introduction, I recommend The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. But at the very least don’t try and call something out when you actually know very little about it.

 

*When BDSM ceases to be consensual, it ceases to be BDSM and becomes abuse.

Posted in BDSM, Feminism, Sex, Sexism, Stereotypes | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The “Friend Zone” is Total Fucking Bullshit

Friday reblog:
Great post about the so-called “friend zone.” The one comment I have is that the picture used as an example at the end could have multiple reasons for the situation. I can think of lots of times when I wouldn’t mind a lighter-weight friend leaning/sitting on me if they had to for some reason, especially considering you can see the standing guy is hailing a cab.

Make Me a Sammich

b03I know, I’m late to the party, but it’s my turn to chime in on the ubiquitous Friend Zone conversation/debate/debacle. And like many other sensible people, I’m here to tell you that this is a non-issue invented by dudes who don’t understand how attraction works and believe if a woman likes them well enough to be friends, that ought to be enough foundation for True Love to bloom. They believe that time spent with a woman is an investment, and when that investment doesn’t pay off, you’re not only in the Friend Zone, but you were obviously not man enough for the job.

As Erin Riordan points out in her post, The Friend Zone is a Sexist Myth, the movie Just Friends contains a scene that sums up the Friend Zone perfectly. It also does a great job of illustrating what some men believe it means to be (or…

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Am I Bisexual?

Looking back at myself in high school, I always knew I wasn’t straight. But I just assumed that no one else was, either. I did learn about the Kinsey Scale in 10th grade, but I just assumed that no person was entirely on one end of the scale — it wasn’t conceivable to me that anyone could be 100% straight. So, for lack of a better definition, I assumed that I was straight. I’d had crushes on boys, so I knew I liked them, and I hadn’t had crushes on girls, so I assumed that I didn’t like them enough for it to matter.

I saw the movie “But I’m a Cheerleader” a few months ago, and the very premise of it — “but I can’t be a lesbian because I’m normal, which means everyone else is like me!” struck an interesting cord with me. Because if you think that you’re not different, that means assuming that you’re normal, so you assume that everyone else thinks the same way you do.

I still think that very few people are 100% straight. Because if I could believably call myself straight up until I was 24, how many other people are walking around doing the same thing? That just because they like boys more than girls, or even because they like boys at all, they’re straight — and everyone else is just as straight as they are.

Society shows us what being straight looks like, and it makes sure you know that straight is better. And when it shows us something else, it goes directly to the other end of the spectrum. There is no in-between. Maybe it’s easier, or less threatening, to believe that there is no in-between.

But life is full of grey areas — when there are no grey areas, life gets antsy and decides to create some. Life is more likely to be grey than to be black or white, but black and white is safer to believe in.

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Sex Aversion Is Sex Aversion

So I tried to reblog this last night, but apparently it didn’t go through for some reason. Anyway, here is a Friday reblog on something that I am unlikely to talk about as I’m generally a yay!sex type of person, but is something that is just as important to talk about as yay!sex.

The Ace Theist

Recently, my stats page informs me, someone arrived on this blog by searching “is sexual aversion unhealthy or holy.”  It’s not unusual for concerning search terms to pop up, but I want to respond to this one nonetheless.

Sometimes it feels like I can’t say it enough: sex aversion is not unhealthy or wrong.  What I mean by that is that sex-averse people do not need to change, do not need to resist or modify their natural feelings, do not need to alter themselves to a certain mold to fit how we’re “supposed” to feel about sex.  It is okay to hate sex.  The fact that it is anomalous does not mean it needs fixing.

As for whether or not it’s “holy”, I have several diverging thoughts as to what the inquirer may have meant.

The first, and the least likely, is that they may have been a…

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Full-Shave November

It’s the first of December but I’m going to talk about November. Specifically, no-shave November. Or it’s opposite – full-shave November – which doesn’t sound as cool because of the lack of alliteration.

Basically, I think that every man should, at some point in his life (preferably high school) have to shave all the parts of his body that the average woman normally shaves or bleaches. He should have to do this for a significant amount of time in order to understand the amount of time and effort it takes women who have to do this the entire year. The closest I can get to this without mass hypnotism is full-shave November.

So for full-shave November, as the opposite of no-shave November for the women, I propose that men should shave their legs, their groin area,* their armpits, and their face. I’m leaving out their chest and back because the average woman doesn’t grow enough hair on her chest or back to have to bleach or shave it. But most women shave their legs for most if not all of the year, many women shave their vulva/pubic area year-round, most women shave their underarms year-round, and many women bleach or shave the hair on their face year-round.**

The biggest problem with full-shave November is that the guys who are most likely to participate are the ones are already liberal and already don’t denigrate women who refuse to shave. Because while I think those guys could learn something extremely useful from full-shave November, they have a shorter distance to reach for it. They’re already on that path. It’s the dudebros who tell women they have to shave their legs and armpits that I want to smack upside the head with shaving at least once a week for a year. It’s the guys who don’t want to give oral sex because women’s pubic hair “smells bad” or “looks gross” without realizing that their pubic hair catches just as much sweat and smell and looks just as “gross” (if you think that pubic hair is gross, which I don’t).

But again, without mass hypnotism, I’m unlikely to make those guys shave. So I’ll settle for all guys learning how much time and effort it really takes to keep up “feminine” appearances. Appearances that women are ostracized for not keeping up.

*Don’t you dare tell me that shaving your balls is more difficult than women shaving their vulva. Because it is not. Yes, I know it’s stretchy down there, and that makes it difficult to shave. But until you’ve actually comprehended the pubic areas where hair grows on women, and realized that razors do not easily fit in that location, and then realized that shaving cream makes everything more slippery, and then actually watched the positions that women have to stand in in order to shave down there, don’t you dare complain about shaving your balls. And yes, it is itchy if you’re shaving there for the first time. And yes, it does get itchy when the hair is growing back if you don’t keep it shaving. And yes, shaved skin sticks to other shaved skin in a way that might not be comfortable.  Shaving pubic hair isn’t generally for your comfort.

**It may surprise you to learn that women do, actually, have hair on their faces. It’s generally finer and lighter than men’s facial hair, but it does exist. And for many women, it is dark enough to be noticeable (although still not as dark or coarse as men’s facial hair). An entire section of the pharmacy exists purely for facial bleaching and hair removal products, and an industry called electrolysis exists for more permanent removal. As someone who was teased in middle school because of the darker-than-blond hair on my face, I can tell you that it is a social construct, and not a natural one, that causes women to remove that hair. Same as shaving any other part of their body.

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I am not a stereotype

As I’ve started reblogging more instances of anti-semitism through Tumblr, I’ve realized why comments that my non-Jewish friends sometimes make bother me. Often those comments are preceded by “this is stereotypical but…” or “this is going to sound bad but…” and then they match up some action or comment I made with a stereotype. And I know they’re not doing it to be mean, they’re probably doing it to share their amusement about how sometimes you can find stereotypes in normal things?

I let them know if it bothers me, but it took me a while to figure out WHY it bothers me. And it’s because I never match my life up with stereotypes. My life is mine, and I act how I act, and it’s not because I’m Jewish, it’s because I’m me.

I would never even consider that I was acting stereotypical unless I was in a situation where I felt singled out because of my Jewishness, and even then, I would likely be thinking of a lot of different things. I don’t view myself as a stereotype and I would much prefer if others didn’t view me as a stereotype either, even occassionally.

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